One thing about me is I love a good angsty Greek mythology-inspired story. Enjoy reading!
Chapter 1.
A Preface You Can Skip If You Want
Although it seems unnecessary, let’s start with a basic overview of Greek mythology and the new generation of the twelve Olympian gods. The relationships between the gods are incredibly convoluted, and I fear our dear readers might get dizzy… At least, I find it quite dizzying.
When you think of the Greek gods, the first one that probably comes to mind is Zeus. It’s inevitable; the guy’s just too famous. But actually, he’s part of the third generation. The history of the Greek gods is one of violence and slaughter. Just look at the heavens.
(Some of the following information is sourced from Baidu, because it’s easy to copy and paste… Typing out all these names is exhausting!)
The first generation of gods began with Chaos, the primordial god born from chaos and nothingness. At that time, the world was like it was before Pangu[1] created the heavens and the earth—nothing existed. Chaos was the first to be born, and from the void came Gaia, the mother of the Earth; Tartarus, the god of the abyss; Erebus, the god of darkness; Nyx, the goddess of night; and Eros, the god of love. These are the five primordial deities
Then these five gods started mixing and matching. Ahem, everyone knows that the gods don’t consider incest a big deal. Brothers and sisters produced a plethora of gods and various giants and monsters. Soon, the world was no longer a lonely place. We must mention Uranus too, the god of the sky, because he was the first king of the gods.
This Eros here is not the same as the later son of the goddess of beauty. This Eros is mighty. He is the embodiment of all love and desire, governing both heterosexual and hom*osexual love. Without him, the world wouldn’t exist—if humanity stopped reproducing, what would become of the word?
Then, Mother Earth Gaia and her eldest son Uranus gave birth to many gods.
Uranus became the first king of the gods. Gaia not only bore the second king of the gods, Cronus, but also many Titans. Notable among them are the twelve Titans, such as Leto, the mother of the moon goddess Artemis; Phoebe, the mother of Asteria; and the second wife of Zeus and mother of the three Horae (goddesses of the seasons) and the goddess of order and justice, Themis. There’s also Ourea, the god of mountains, who later became the embodiment of Mount Olympus. And Iapetus, who didn’t do anything particularly notable himself but had two famous sons: Atlas, who was punished by Zeus to hold up the sky, and Prometheus, the fire-stealer whom everyone probably knows.
Wait, that makes Prometheus Zeus’s uncle? The familiar hierarchy of the Greek gods is a joke. A quick aside—Prometheus is hailed as one of the wisest gods, known as a prophet. Yet, he had a brother reputed to be the dumbest of the gods, Epimetheus. This guy didn’t do anything really bad but married a very famous woman named Pandora. Everyone knows the story of Pandora’s box, right?
The first king of the gods, Uranus, was incredibly cruel, so Gaia supported Cronus in secretly overthrowing him. As Uranus was dying, he cursed Cronus, saying that Cronus would one day be killed by his own child. Those who have read the manga “Saint Seiya[2]” will know what happens next. Cronus, fearing this prophecy, devoured every child he had with Gaia. When Gaia bore Zeus, she tricked Cronus with a stone, secretly sending Zeus to Crete to be raised by three nymphs. Zeus grew up drinking the milk of a goat and the wine brought by an eagle (perhaps that’s why he later enjoyed transforming into animals so much).
The grown-up Zeus, just as Uranus had prophesied, led a host of new gods back and overthrew Cronus’s rule, rescuing his several siblings in the process. He then cast the defeated Titans into the bottomless abyss of Tartarus.
According to common belief, Gaia and Cronus’s children were Hestia, Hades, Demeter, Poseidon, Hera, and Zeus, with Zeus being the youngest. Hera is his sister.
Zeus established Mount Olympus (allegedly located between Macedonia and Thessaly in eastern Greece) and became the third king of the gods. The twelve main gods on Mount Olympus are as follows:
- Zeus: King of the gods, thunder
- Hera: Marriage
- Poseidon: The sea
- Hades: The underworld
- Athena: Wisdom
- Apollo: The sun, medicine, prophecy (not the original Greek name, but commonly accepted)
- Artemis: The moon, hunting
- Aphrodite: Beauty and love
- Hermes: Commerce, messengers, deceit, the godfather of thieves
- Ares: War
- Hephaestus: Fire, forging
- Dionysus: Wine
The rest of the gods will be mentioned later in the story, as there are just too many…
It should be noted that although Hera is Zeus’s official wife and the queen of the gods, she didn’t have many children with him—only the god of war Ares, the god of fire Hephaestus, the goddess of youth Hebe, and the goddess of childbirth Eileithyia. Zeus was just really too busy fathering children with other women.
Let’s list some of Zeus’s romantic exploits.
He fathered Athena, the goddess of wisdom with Metis.
He fathered the Three Graces with the ocean goddess, Eurynome. These Graces are Aglaia (Splendor), Thalia (Bloom), and Euphrosyne (Mirth).
He fathered the twin gods Apollo and Artemis with the goddess of the night, Leto.
He fathered Persephone, the goddess of spring, with Demeter, his second sister. Persephone is the one who was kidnapped by Hades to be his wife. It’s said that before she became queen of the underworld, Zeus transformed into a dragon and had an affair with her, resulting in the birth of Zagreus. This child, born with horns and wielding lightning, climbed onto Zeus’s throne. Zeus favored this child and wanted him to be his heir. Hera, naturally, was having none of it and sent the Titans to kill him. It is said that Zeus preserved his heart, allowing him to be reborn as Dionysus, the god of wine. And later, Zeus and Persephone supposedly had a daughter, Melinoe, the goddess of ghosts and nightmares, born from their secret tryst at the mouth of the Cocytus River.
Oh, the fond memories of “Saint Seiya” mythology are ruined. Hades, you wore such a huge green hat.
Continuing with Zeus’s romantic escapades:
He fathered Hermes with Maia, the daughter of Atlas and an Oceanid.
He fathered Minos and Rhadamanthys with Europa.
He fathered Zethus and Amphion with the daughter of the river god Asopus. Amphion is the one who used a lyre to build the city of Thebes with the help of sentient stones.
He fathered Heracles with Alcmene, the greatest hero in Greek mythology, who performed the twelve great labors. This includes slaying Medusa, aiding Jason in obtaining the Golden Fleece, and rescuing Prometheus. His name, given by the oracle Pythia, means “glory of Hera[3].” Sigh, this reminds me of the trope where the legal wife abuses the illegitimate son. But Hera has always been ruthless against Zeus’s lovers. Zeus, this scoundrel, barely intervenes, and mostly just turns his lovers into constellations or something like that later. Oh, he is truly a scumbag.
The above is just a brief illustration of Zeus’s many exploits. Oh, I almost forgot—Helen, the most beautiful woman in Greek mythology, was also Zeus’s daughter with Leda, the queen of Sparta. It is said that Zeus, passing by and seeing her bathing in the river, transformed into a black swan and shamelessly jumped in… Uh, a swan? How exactly did that work?
While the gods were unconcerned with incest and had children this way, only the night goddess Nyx, one of the five primordial deities, could rival Zeus. She not only had three children with her brothers—Aether, the god of the bright upper sky; Hemera, the goddess of daylight; and Charon, the ferryman of the underworld (everyone knows him)—but she also single-handedly birthed a legion. Her power was immense, even Zeus dared not offend her. Among her notable children were Thanatos, the god of death, and Hypnos, the god of sleep. And then there’s Eris, the goddess of discord, who infamously started the Trojan War by throwing a golden apple. The three Fates—Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos—are also Nyx’s daughters. Not to mention, that Nyx also gave birth to three thousand dream gods…
Poseidon also fathered many children, most of whom were monsters… Perhaps there was a genetic issue? It’s possible. According to legend, Poseidon had a bizarre half-man, half-monster form. He and Gaia (yes, his grandmother) birthed the giant Antaeus, who regains his strength whenever he touches the ground. He was eventually killed by Heracles, who strangled him mid-air. Poseidon also raped his sister Demeter, and since they both turned into horses during the act, their child also ended up being a horse… It is said that Poseidon, in horse form, also fathered two famous divine horses with Medusa, which emerged from her body when Perseus beheaded her. Poseidon, you’re the real stud…
Hades seemed to have no children, but he did have lovers! Two of them! One was the daughter of the river god Cocytus, Minthe. This story was quite dramatic—she was originally Hades’ servant and believed the position of the queen of the underworld was hers. When Hades married Persephone, she went mad with jealousy, boasting that she was more beautiful and noble than the queen, leading to Hades transforming her into mint. Another version says Persephone killed her, and Hades, out of pity, turned her ashes into mint. The other lover was Leuce, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys. Because Leuce was a nymph and not immortal, Hades turned her into a white poplar tree, his sacred tree. Why do gods love turning people into trees, flowers, or constellations?
But amidst the X-rated, violent Greek gods, there were also pure children! These are Athena, the goddess of war; Artemis, the moon goddess; and Hestia, the goddess of the hearth. They are the three virgin goddesses. However, bodily purity doesn’t mean mental purity. At least the moon goddess fell in love with a handsome youth and, fearing he would age, put him to eternal sleep in her forest. I have a puzzle at home that tells their story! And these pure goddesses hate being seen naked! If someone sees their beautiful naked form, they are doomed.
Now, let’s talk about Hera.
She is the daughter of Gaia and Cronus and Zeus’s sister. Zeus had seven wives, but only Hera was known as the queen of the gods, his official wife. It is said that when Zeus proposed to her, he promised to share his power and glory. Hera always has three attendants who constantly accompany her: the goddess of the seasons, Oiasis[4], the goddess of socializing, Charis[5], and the goddess of the rainbow, Iris. She holds a high position on Mount Olympus, second only to Zeus.
Of course, without a doubt, Hera is definitely a stunning beauty. And no matter how many affairs Zeus had, Hera has never betrayed him by seeking other lovers, which is quite ironic.
However, Hera is notorious for her jealousy and spares no effort in punishing mistresses and illegitimate children, being ruthless and merciless. She nearly killed Apollo's mother. She even brought a plague to an entire island that shared a name with her rival out of spite. Zeus usually doesn't intervene to protect his lovers much, feeling helpless. But when Hera tried to kill Heracles, Zeus got angry. He publicly humiliated her by hanging her up with anvils tied to her feet, displaying her in the sky.
That’s pretty much it. What was supposed to be a mythological introduction turned into the X-rated secret history of the gods. With such a husband, how could Hera, the goddess of marriage and childbirth, not spit up blood?
This article is purely a humorous piece, not meant for academic research. It describes the gods’ modern lives and their timeless loves and hatreds, largely faithful to mythology but with some creative twists.
So, scholars and fact-checkers, please go easy on me~
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[1] Pangu (盤古) is a prominent figure in Chinese mythology, representing the creation of the universe from chaos. According to the myth, Pangu emerged from a cosmic egg, symbolizing the initial state of the universe. With his actions of separating yin and yang, he brought about the formation of the earth and the sky, thus establishing order from chaos.
[2]It actually says “漫畫星座宮神話” in the raws which directly translates to ‘manga Zodiac Mythology’. It refers to the comic series “Saint Seiya” (also known as “Knights of the Zodiac” in English) which is known for its rich incorporation of Greek mythology in the storyline. Saint Seiya on Wikipedia.
[3] In Greek, "Hera" (Ἥρα) refers to the queen of the gods, the wife of Zeus, and "kleos" (κλέος) means "glory" or "fame." Therefore, "Heracles" can be understood to mean "Hera's glory" or "the glory belonging to Hera." Despite being the son of Zeus and Alcmene, Heracles faced persecution and challenges throughout his life, many of which were orchestrated by Hera. Despite Hera's attempts to thwart him, Heracles ultimately achieved great deeds and earned fame and glory, which could be seen as ironic given Hera's hostility towards him.
[4] It’s important to note that this translation of the name might not be accurate. The original text of the name was '奧雅絲,' which translates directly to ‘Oyasi’. I don’t know if it should be translated as Oiasis or literally Oyas, however, I couldn’t find any known Greek deities named like these. T_T
[5] Charis (written as 卡莉絲), does indeed exist. Though I'm uncertain if she's specifically considered a social goddess. Charis is one of the Graces and is associated with charm, beauty, and grace, but her exact domain may vary in different accounts of Greek mythology.
p.s. I am the "fact-checkers" the author is referring to :D
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